is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
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Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
welp
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
The happy life.. 😊
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.