Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
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What level of petty is it when your father won鈥檛 let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
What number SPF blocks people?
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that鈥檚 the osteoporosis nvm 馃槶
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I can鈥檛 stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding