Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
You Might Also Like
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.