“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
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I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
No laws when master is gone
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……