I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
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Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
best review i’ve ever seen
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs