It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
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I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.