When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
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Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”