The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
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Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
describing stardew valley
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”