Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
You Might Also Like
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.