“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
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Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok