My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
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we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
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Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?