All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
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Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
I hope it’s French Onion!
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”