You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
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Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
*puts my mental health in rice
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.