[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
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*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
it’s finally my moment to shine
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.