[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
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*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Pot warmers of the day.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.