Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
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Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.