I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
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There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached