Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
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ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?