I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
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Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Sing it!
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?