Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
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For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations