“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
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Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?