Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
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Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.