Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
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Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?