me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
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If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Not all heroes wear capes….
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
In banana years, I am bread.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.