cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
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Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.