[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
You Might Also Like
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.