I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
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[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
*pronounces fake like saké*
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup