[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
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I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Passed by a old school Math example today.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will