The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
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Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.