ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
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To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
The “baby” on the left….
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold