[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
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Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Worth the read.
Spa day..😅
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.