Truth. ๐๐ญ๐ฎโ๐จ
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I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I donโt consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse canโt marry if you die?
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could โseeโ where it was going, so Iโm not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Letโs test his motor skills
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
โHere comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!โ
– every stoplight
My kidsโ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Sorry sir, I donโt do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.