*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
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[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many