Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
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Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]