The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
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Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?