Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
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My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Story of my life…..
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.