Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
But is it really??
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
looks legit
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.