my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
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Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
me, too, girl. me, too.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.