Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
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*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
english majors be like furthermore
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”