No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
No laws when master is gone
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.