In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
You Might Also Like
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.