I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
You Might Also Like
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night