Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
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They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis