Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
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It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.