Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
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The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”