Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
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I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
😅🤣😂
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
The booster protects against what, now?