“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
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If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.