girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
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I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
This is a whole mood;
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more