Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
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Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.