[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
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A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case